30 Days of Truth- Day 30

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

I decided to do Days 29 and 30 all at once, mostly because we leave for Michigan in three days and everything until then will be committed to packing, figuring out the last few planning details, figuring out exactly what needs to be done and when, while we're in MI so that all of the wedding preparations go smoothly.

So, here's Day 30...

Dear Anna,

I love that you're wide awake the minute you get out of bed (on most days), but that you can go right back to sleep if you decide the alarm clock was probably on crack when it rang the first time. I love that you work hard at the stuff you love to do, but also at the stuff you don't necessarily like as much. I love that you know how to have a good time even without drugs and alcohol. Another very admirable character trait, is that family always comes first and that change isn't a big deal as long as your loved ones are along for the ride. Home is where your family is, it's not defined by a space.
I love the softness of your hair just when it's dry after a shower and the color of your eyes. I love the little strut you get in your step when you think no one's watching, like you're walking an invisible catwalk. I love the fact that you like your body, most days, and don't feel the need to be a size 0 or even a size 8. The confidence that comes with that acceptance is damn sexy too.
I love the life you have, the wonderful husband, the adorable cat, and the good job. I love the fact that you like your job, not just because of the co-workers but also because of the day-to-day paper pushing. And the fact that you've never given up on that promotion, even though you've tried five times.

I love almost everything about you, even when there are days when things are looking a bit down.

Sincerely,

Me

30 Days of Truth- Day 29

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

How whiny I can get when I'm tired, hungry, annoyed, well, really any time I'm not grinning from ear to ear. I'm not sure I can really tone down the whine factor in my voice, but I guess I can pay more attention to it when I start to get whiny. I guess the hardest part might be to realize that I'm doing it, so that I can try not to do it. And why, well, it's one of the few things putting a bit of a strain on our marriage. My DH just kind of shuts down when I start to whine, which causes me to whine more because he's not paying attention. I need to find a better way of communicating my dissatisfaction. Something that's more conducive to getting something done.

30 Days of Truth- Day 28

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

As short a time ago as two years, I would have said, I don't know. I actually had this discussion with my hubby's cousin about a year and a half ago, because she found out that she was pregnant at 17. We talked through her options, and although we are both pro-choice, neither one of us could really imagine having an abortion. She ended up having the baby, putting it up for adoption and then changing her mind. Luckily, the father of the baby is very much engaged in raising the child, and they are going to get married, and not just because of the baby. So hopefully that's a teen-pregnancy story that ends well. She also has the full support of her family behind her, is planning on going to college this year, etc. So she got pretty lucky.

Back to myself, I had this discussion with my parents when I was younger. I know they would have supported me in any decision I chose to make, if I had gotten pregnant unexpectedly. But they also offered to adopt any child I did have. However, that situation never came up, and I'm now a married lady, with a good job, a wonderful husband, and settled enough that if I did get pregnant now, I wouldn't freak out. I'm not quite ready to start actively trying for a child, but if it happened I think I'd be happy. After the initial fears that we can't afford a child yet, that we don't have the room, that our neighborhood isn't safe enough, etc. I overanalyze everything, so I doubt this would be any different.

If I got someone pregnant... well, that would probably take a miracle, or a turkey baster.

30 Days of Truth- Day 27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

A wonderful hubby. We may have our differences of opinions occasionally, but on the whole we make a very good team. This past week was Restaurant Week in DC and that means, for my husband the chef, that he works 6-7 days, 10-12 hours a day. What that means for me is that I come home after work to an empty house, sit around by myself on the weekends, and get extremely upset when he then decides to go to a bar after work. I know, I know, I'm a terrible person. Well, that is precisely what happened on Friday night, he texted me to tell me he was going to the bar and I laid on the guilt trip (I've been waiting for you all day, I was really looking forward to spending some time with you, etc.). Said guilt trip didn't work (you know the adage, "be careful what you wish for," well, I wished for a husband who I couldn't wrap around my little finger... and boy am I paying for it).

So he comes home around 3am (the subway- aka the Metro- stops running at 3am on Friday and Saturday night) and I'm still awake, barely. He comes home, I go to bed, and try to give him the cold shoulder. Well, I know I have no legs to stand on in this argument, because he's been really good about coming home all week, and it was payday, which always means he ends up at the bar after work. So the cold shoulder approach didn't last very long, not to mention he didn't even notice I was giving him the cold shoulder to begin with. Long story short, despite our difference of opinions, he's still the best thing going for me right now.

Case in point, last night. He comes home right after work and the first thing he tells me (accompanied by a shoulder rub) is that he was thinking about it on the Metro on the way home, and he really has everything in his life that he wanted when he was a kid. A job, a place to live, some money in the bank, and a wife he loves and who loves him. I may have melted, but maybe the shoulder rub was partly to blame for that. I'll have to do an experiment, maybe next time he tells me his life is perfect, he'll have to refrain from rubbing my shoulders and then I'll know if the melting was because of what he was saying or because of what he was doing. And then he discovered that I had bought him beer (a very rare occurance at best) and came back into the room and said, "so you know when I told you I loved you and my life was perfect a second ago, well, I've decided I really do have the best wife ever." :)

30 Days of Truth- Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I believe I'm still alive today for two reasons: the love of my family and cowardice. My family has always supported me and even during my dark, teenage angsty days when I was contemplating suicide to "show those bastards that they need me," I still knew deep down that they loved me. I knew that my family would be upset if I did go through with it and kill myself. The other thing that kept me from doing it, was the cowardice aspect. I didn't have access to poison or a gun, I'm scared of heights, I don't like swallowing pills (certainly not a whole bottle of them), and I'm scared of inflicting pain on myself (I just recently got over having to spend half an hour shaving my legs, for fear of cutting myself). So that really left no good options.

Cowardice is also the reason I haven't died accidentally. I slow down to a crawl in heavy rain, more so since my very slow-speed, hydroplaning car accident two years ago. I'm afraid of heights, so falling out of trees or off a cliff, or a parachute not opening has never been a problem. And in general I'm just not a very adventurous person when it comes to doing something potentially dangerous.

30 Days of Truth- Day 24

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I am terri-bad (yes, that's a word) with music. I can never remember song titles or lyrics, altough the melodies, no problem. I've tried to complete this for several days now, hence the lack of new posts. But I find that I'm no farther than I started, and so I guess I'll have to admit defeat and move on. Due to some sort of OCD, I can't seem to post anything else until this is taken care of, so admitting defeat should let me continue to post. Sorry guys.

30 Days of Truth- Day 23

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had taken better advantage of my semester abroad at the University of Limerick in Ireland. I was so focused on keeping my grades up, dealing with a different grading and testing system, not having actual books for most of my classes, etc. that I didn't use my time to travel a whole lot. In the end, it didn't matter at all, because the different grade point conventions between U. of Limerick and American University meant that I ended up with lower grades than I should have for the semester. At of U of L they use .2 to signify a + to the grade (so a B+ would be a 3.2), but at AU they use .3 to signify a + (so a B+ would be a 3.3). And since they didn't bother looking at my letter grades (which is what the teachers gave out, which UofL then translated into the grade points for the transcript) my two B+'s turned into B's. Long story short, I got screwed over and if I had known that to begin with, I probably wouldn't have bothered trying so hard for the B+ when at the end of the day it was going to translate into a B anyway.

So, there were two options for housing arrangements. We could either choose to live with Irish students or with other international students. The co-ed apartment style dorms (individual rooms with bathrooms but with a co-ed living room and kitchen) that had only international students in it, had groups going out almost every weekend to Cork, Galway, the Aran Islands, etc. And some of the international students living with all Irish students would get to go home with their dorm mates on the weekends and see parts of Ireland that way. Oh yeah, Irish students go out almost every night of the week to pubs and clubs, etc. and on the weekends they go home to their parents where most of them have jobs to pay for their party time during the week. Unfortunately, I didn't get close to my Irish room mates. They asked me to go out with them the first few weeks, and I would have loved to, but I had absolutely no money due to an unfortunate extra technology fee that my parents didn't pay in advance. So I had to open a bank account and have my grandmother wire me funds from my German account, but that takes a while (2-3 weeks). So until then, I was completely broke.

So on the weekends, I mostly studied or talked for hours with my then boyfriend. My DH and I had just started dating at that point. But by the time I finally had money, my room mates weren't interested in trying to be friendly anymore and stopped asking me if I wanted to do anything. As for the other international students, I made friends with a few of them, but for the most part they stuck to their own room mates, especially if they were in one of the international student dorms. I wasn't really up for traveling on my own either. And anything outside of Ireland, required a longer period to make it worth it, but because the semester doesn't start until February, they also don't have a lot of vacation days in spring. In fact, the only time we did get was a day or two around Easter and about two study days before exams. Easter I used to meet a friend from high school in Scotland (that was a lot of fun) and the study days I used to go to Venice, Italy with my two friends from UofL. I also took a weekend trip to London to meet up with the same high school friend, and I went on the international student trips to Dublin and then to the West coast of Ireland. All of those trips were a ton of fun, but I wish there had been more.

Hopefully DH and I will be able to go back there one of these days and take care of that regret. We'd talked about it as a possible honeymoon destination, but neither of us could face the long flight right after driving to Michigan (10 hours) and spending a week pulling together our wedding reception. Maybe next year though.

30 Days of Truth- Day 22

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

This one is difficult. I haven't done a whole lot of things in my life that I've regretted later. I could say I wish I'd never moved to Florida, but I made some friends down there, I got to spent a year with my fiance learning how to live together. It gave me my first chance to stand completely on my own two feet (well, if you count my fiance) and a chance to work for a great little non-profit. Without those opportunities, I may not have been where I am today. I don't know if my life would have been better or worse, I don't know if I would be farther in my career or farther behind. I can play the what if game for ages, but at the end of the day, I'm ok with the decisions I made and I am honestly not sure if I wish there was something I hadn't done.

30 Days of Truth- Day 21

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Rush to the hospital. Just because I got in a fight with her, wouldn't mean I didn't want to be by her side. Especially since I'm very bad at holding grudges. They confuse me. It usually only takes a few minutes of cooling off after an argument, for me to start trying to figure out what went wrong, what the major points of discussion were, where they may have come from, and how I should address these points during the next discussion. I have honed these skills after three years of my husband walking out on me, when an argument gets too heated and stupid and he needs some time to cool off. Unfortunately, his idea of cooling off usually takes way longer than mine, and he won't answer his cell phone when I call him. So then I start to worry, etc.

But back to my best friend, who is in a car accident... If it was an hour before, I've probably already called or texted her to apologize and what not. Maybe we won't be completely squared away, but we'll be well on our way to it.

30 Days of Truth

I have completed 20 of the 30 days. Here is what you have to look forward to:

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30 Days of Truth- Day 20

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Alcohol, while legal, should not be abused. I've gotten the spins twice in my life, which tells you how often I've gotten past the "pleasant and tipsy" stage of drinking. I enjoy a nice glass of wine on occasion, but I try not to drink to excess. I just feel that there is no point in feeling like crap when the room starts to spin around you, not to mention vomiting and the hangover the next morning. Also, why would anyone want to pass out and forget all about their night? I know some people use it as a crutch, but they're just prolonging the inevitable acknowledgement that something has gone wrong and they need to deal with it.

Drugs I feel even more strongly about. Although I'm willing to negotiate on medicinal uses. If you're a terminally ill person, do I begrudge you a drag at a joint or even a line of coke? No, certainly not. However, when medicinal drugs are used to self-medicate or for the buzz, that's when I start to have problems with it. I don't even like taking things for a headache. I had to take Vicodine after I had my wisdom teeth out. Once the initial sedative wore off, I took half a tablet of the stuff, and was completely loopy the rest of the day. I made do with aspirin for the rest of the time.

Recreational drug use I'm completely against. Except as mentioned above for terminally ill people. They're illegal, dangerous, and addicting. I refuse to touch the stuff, not even necessarily out of a fear for the law or the potential consequences, but because I am perfectly happy with my life. I don't need to "enhance" it or shut it out. And I like knowing that what I see, say and do is done with all my senses working properly.

30 Days of Truth- Day 19

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Well, I started touching on the religion aspect in the last post, so I might as well answer that question. I am an agnostic. What that means is that I know somewhere in my mind, in my heart, the parts that are not ruled by calm reason, I know there is a higher power out there somewhere. I just have to look at awesome beauty and power of nature to know that something is out there. I'm not sure what form that higher power takes, because I'm not sure I want to put that love, that beauty, that power into a particular form. I completely respect anyone who believes one way or another, but I have a huge problem with the way religion has been used to justify various attrocities throughout history. And I'm not willing to back any religion that has perpetuated various crimes against others just because they don't believe the same thing. To me religion should be about faith, about love, and compassion. And when it's used to justify violence, it makes me sick. So that is what I think of religion.

Not to leave you hanging though, my feelings on politics are very simple. It's a popularity contest and politicians are interested in making their financial backers happy. I also think it's sad that so few people in this country actually vote, because politicians take their win as a "mandate from the people" when it's not in fact a majority vote at all. I actually like the idea of making it a fine-able offense to not vote, I think Nov. 2 should be a federal holiday so that no one has to choose between their job and being able to choose the politicians to represent them. Then someone who makes the choice not to vote, does so in the knowledge that it comes with financial consequences, not something they just don't feel like doing. Okay, maybe that wasn't as short as I thought it would be. :)

30 Days of Truth- Day 18

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

I'm going to play catch-up. To me, marriage has always been a way for two people who love each other to make a life-long commitment to each other. I think anyone who fights for the "traditional family unit" or whatever, should take a better look at the rate of divorce amongst heterosexual couples first, before denying this union to same sex couples. Maybe their time would be better spent fighting for mandatory pre-marriage counseling or tougher divorce laws, etc. than trying to keep two people in love from making that status legal. So, do I think it should be legal, hell yes. Why, because I think a gay couple has the same rights to fuck up their marriage as much as the next couple.

Now, this brings me to the rights of organized religions to say whether or not they will allow their ministers to perform those marriages. Since marriage is above-all (to my happily agnostic self) a legal union (and no, civil unions are not the same thing as a marriage) and not a religious one, and we do still have a separation of church and state in this country (at least on paper), I do think that every church should have the opportunity to make that choice on their own terms. Is it fair that same-sex couples couldn't get married in a church of their choosing... perhaps. But then again, there are plenty of beautiful venues out there, with a justice of the peace or non-denominational minister who would be more than happy to marry them. Also, I don't see too many Catholic churches willing to work with a couple of another faith, unless at least one of the two was Catholic. Or a synagogue willing to lend their facility to a non-Jewish couple, etc. So it's all relative. Does it hurt not to be able to get married in the church you grew up in, yes, I think it would. But as already mentioned, I don't go to church, so that's hard for me to judge. I never wanted to get married in a church in the first place, but some people do.

I read about something a while back. It was a story about a lesbian couple in Australia, I believe, who had decided to have a commitment ceremony. Gay marriage is not legal down there either. So they gathered together all of the documents needed to approximate the legal status of a married couple (medical consent forms, name change forms, wills, etc.) and part of their ceremony was signing these legal documents together. Well apparently it took them forever to sign everything and it really brought home to them and to their guests what a legal hurdle they have to jump through to have the right to visit each other in the ICU, to inherit the others possessions, to be able to have legal guardianship over their children, etc. when for a straight couple all it takes is one signature (and a bunch of very easy name change forms, for women, not so much for men). I don't think that's right.

30 Days of Truth- Day 17

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

So I totally started this post yesterday, but I could not think of a single book I've read that has changed my views on something. This is not because I've read so few books, but because I've read so many. The local library loves me (probably in part because I sometimes don't have time to return books, thereby racking up large amounts in overdue fees). I'm starting to think the librarians know me by sight. Our living room is only not called a library because of the presence of our computers, dining room table, and currently our bed (it's too hot to sleep in our bedroom, unfortunately, so we dragged our mattress into the living room where we have a window unit). I guess other people would have just bought a second window unit, but when you have to pay an additional $75 a month for the privilege of being able to sleep at night, I'll drag that mattress anywhere. But I'm getting off topic.

Well, let's examine my choice of reading materials in a given month:

Historical fiction, romance, wedding books (which should stop after September), etc.

There's not a whole lot of non-fiction or classical lit to be had, except what I was forced to read in school. Unfortunately, since they were "required" reading, I honestly couldn't tell you too much about any of them. Maybe, and this is a big maybe, the book One River by Wade Davis changed my views about what to do about isolated indigenous populations in the rainforest a tiny bit. It's always been my opinion that progress requires wealth (which to me equates with currency) and certain rights, but reading this book showed me that some indigenous populations may be happier not being found. If all you know in life is that food should be shared with the rest of the community or that a psychedelic trip is not only legal but essential to a religious experience, etc. then who am I to walk in and tell them otherwise. Aren't most people happy with what they have until someone tells them to someone else has more?

Should they have the right to modern technology, especially health care? Do the women have just as much right to be equal members of society (which is not to say that they aren't already)? All of these rights I assume are a necessity to the rest of the world, what if they're just the product of our society? What makes us "civilized," and them "savages?" Just our mind-set. I've had this same problem while reading accounts of early settlers and missionaries in the United States or traders and missionaries in the Far East. What was wrong with just leaving them be to pursue their own culture or religion? Were they really better off in the long-run with the Western notions of wealth and power, did it make any difference at all? Clearly I have more questions than answers. But it's a question that has bothered me and that this book made me question.

30 Days of Truth- Day 16

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Cleaning the cat litter box. I love cats, but that part of the "cat keeping" process grosses me out. Granted, not as much as cleaning up after a dog. Nor as much as cleaning up after my cat puking on the carpet (which he's only done twice in the nearly two years we've had him). So I guess I should be glad it's not worse. Unfortunately, the only time my hubby is willing to go near the litterbox (he had a really bad experience cleaning up a house where the cats had pissed all over the place when he was younger, at least that's his excuse) is when I beg and plead, or threaten him, when I'm out of town.

30 Days of Truth- Day 15

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

SomeTHING I can't live without would definitely be my computer and specifically my computer running World of Warcraft. Sad but true, I'm addicted to the WoW crack. Although I do have long lapses where I won't play at all, even though my account is activated, and I like to think that I live a pretty normal life despite this addiction. However, go too long without it, especially when my account has lapsed, and I start craving it like nobody's business.

SomeONE I can't live without is my hubby. That darling and often-times irritating man makes me ridiculously happy. We did the long-distance thing all through college, but ever since we lived together for the first time down in Florida, we just couldn't do the separation thing anymore. We tried, for almost a month after Florida, he was going to stay in Michigan to finish up his culinary arts degree while I moved to Washington, DC to start my new job there. Well, it lasted only long enough for us to decide, screw it, this isn't going to work. Luckily I'd decided on a one bedroom apartment instead of the studio I was originally looking for, so he drove down my my dad and the furniture. We haven't looked back since. Traveling independently isn't too bad, especially if I'm the one traveling, since I don't have all of the joint memories that come with being at home, but if it goes on too long, like my enforced stay in Germany in April, it starts to get old really fast.

30 Days of Truth- Day 14

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Governor Granholm,

I was so excited to see a woman as governor of Michigan. I cannot remember a time when you were not governor of Michigan and when you weren't trying your very best to pull Michigan out of the slump it was in thanks to your predecessor. But amongst all of your budget cuts, your frugal plans, you cut one thing that should never have been cut. The scholarship program for Michigan graduates, the Michigan Promise. While I was not personally affected by this, several of my friends and relatives were. My brother-in-law in particular was counting on that money to help him in his first year of college. He's working full-time, living with his parents, and going to community college so he can pay for college himself. He plans to complete his four-year degree at another college, after his two years at community college are finished. He was really excited that he didn't have to figure out where those $1000 for his first semester would be coming from, until you pulled the rug right out from under his feet.

The budget had to be cut, I understand that. But why do it at the expense of your future workforce? And now that you are getting companies interested in staying or opening a plant in Michigan and things look to be going uphill, that scholarship still has not been reinstated. The Michigan Promise was not everything you made it out to be. You broke that promise and the next generation of workers had to pay for that. You'll always be my hero for the things you've accomplished, but I can't forgive you for this.

Sincerely,

Anna

30 Days of Truth- Day 13

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)

Dear Enya,

Everytime I get mad, sad or scared, I can put on your music and let it do its magic. It calms me, it puts me in a better place. The best memory I've had of your music was the first time I got the spins after drinking too much. I hate not being in control of my body, so getting the spins was terrible. I started crying and my husband held me, put on your music, and everything was alright again.

Thank you,

Anna

30 Days of Truth- Day 12

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

"Never" is a tough one. As mentioned in the previous day's post, my husband compliments me on my looks, even if very few other people do. So that doesn't count as a "never." You know, I don't think I've ever gotten compliments on my glasses. There's not much to them, just some very skinny rims in a copperish brown. They bring out the color of my eyes, but I guess they're meant to fade into the background a bit. That's all I've got. My glasses. Maybe that's a good thing.

30 Days of Truth- Day 11

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

My laugh (see Day 1). My ability to get shit done, quickly and efficiently. How quickly I learn new things (This is starting to sound like a resume). Apparently most people appreciate my perfect imitation of a worker drone. Except for my husband, I don't have too many people complimenting me about my looks. But really, as long as he finds me attractive, who the hell cares what anyone else thinks?